how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize