Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
