Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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