I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
