She is in my trunk
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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