Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
