If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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