i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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