BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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