I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
