Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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