Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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