so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
