foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
