I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
