The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
