i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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