I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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