maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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