he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
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They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
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PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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