the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
