I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
