Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
