my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
