she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
