At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
