my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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