I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I lost the right to judge tonight
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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