Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
