If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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