Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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