I'd wear matching sweaters with you
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
