I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
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I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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