cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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