I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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