Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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