I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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