Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
A bitchslap is in order.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
