I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
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Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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