I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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