just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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