Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
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There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
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I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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