I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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