I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
