You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
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I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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