My sheets look like a crime scene.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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