So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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