After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
