i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
