I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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