it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
