My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
