Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
