Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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