I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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